OK, this is gonna be long and may be triggering for some people because of body image and shit so be warned.
I have such a deeply complex relationship with my body, and lockdown seems to have made things worse.
I’m a big girl Like, I’m 6ft and 224lbs, which is what? 101kgs? That’s 16 stone for me UK peeps. This is the biggest I’ve ever been, and I went from around 180lbs(ish) 4 years ago to what I am now in the space of about 3 months after I had my car accident. I’ve never been this big and it really bothers me. And then I get really fucking angry with myself because why should it even bother me, right? Society has made me dread being fat and has made me see my fatness as something unwanted and desirable. And that’s exactly how I feel: unsexy and undesirable.
Even when I was slimmer, I was still really curvy, which is something I’ve always been. I’m a classic hourglass, which I’ve always loved, so why the hell can’t I love it now when my curves are bigger? I think a lot of that stems from being genderfluid/NB, because I’m on the more masc side of things. And all the images you see of wonderfully big girls looking hot and sexy are all ultra-femme. Society says that it be even vaguely accepted as a fat person, you have to be super femme with all the glam makeup and cute dresses and your hair done blah blah….. And that really ain’t me to be honest.
So I’m a somewhat butch fatty, and there just doesn’t seem to be any space for people like me to be accepted. Like, other than on tumblr, there’s pretty much zero representation for me. Which then feeds into my body insecurities.
And I’ll be doing just fine and feeling good about myself, and then I’ll catch sight of myself in the mirror and I just feel like absolute fucking shit. I hate everything about myself to look at. I’m fat, my boobs are saggy, my thighs look like cottage cheese, my skin is bumpy and gross, my face is literally ALWAYS red, I have 3 chins, my hair looks like shit, I’ve started to get chin hairs and nipple hair, my calves are fat, I’ve got muffin tops and bingo wings…..the list is fucking endless and I hate it. I hate that I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore without feeling like crap.
And I’m honestly trying to change it. I’m working out about 4 times a week, I’m eating right, but I can’t see any fucking change because my brain refuses to see any. My brain meats are still telling that I’m a fat, ugly cunt and I’m not worthy of any love or affection, which is just such fucking bollocks, I KNOW THIS.
Those that know me know that from 1999 – 2005, I was in an incredibly abusive relationship which then became a marriage. It started as gaslighting: separating me from my friends, telling me I was fat constantly, telling me that no-one would want me because of how I looked – y’know, the whole 9 yards. Then we got married and the beating started, along with the repeated drugging and raping. He even threw out my contraceptive pill because he was determined to get me pregnant. Thank FUCK he never managed it. I ended up in hospital on a number of occasions because of the trauma to my genitals where he’d been so vicious and rough. I actually can’t really poop properly still because I had to have part of my sphincter and anus repaired. And my vag is also slightly deformed now too, and a chunk of my cervix is missing. It all still works ok and I really enjoy sex, but it’s again a MASSIVE knock to my confidence when you have to tell every sexual partner you’re with before you have any kind of intimacy that you’re……built slightly differently to other women.
So when I found someone after my ex-husband that loved and cherished me and helped me to rediscover who I was, it was a revelation. 4 blissful years together until he cheated on me.
Then the next one cheated.
And the next.
And the next.
Again, HUGE confidence knocks. What the fuck is wrong with me that every partner I’ve ever had cheats on me? Why am I not enough?
Add to all of that the fact that I have arthritis and fibromyalgia and depression and PTSD and lung disease, which are all made worse by being overweight, and you can see that every aspect just adds to the deeply complex and twisted relationship I have with my body.
I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be able to believe my sexual partners when they say they think I’m sexy. I want to be able to believe that I’m desirable. My body has been through so damn much that I want to be able to love it like it deserves.
Also, also, lusting after incredibly beautiful famous people just makes me feel even worse about myself because I know I can never look like the kind of woman any of them would find attractive. And I fucking HATE that I even want to be attractive to other people before myself.
I just wanna feel hot, y’know?