OK, this is gonna be long. I had somewhat of an awakening whilst watching the video of Henry Cavill building his gaming PC and no, not in the way you think. It made me realise something about myself that i’m still trying to process to bare with me here, it’s still a work in progress…..
Many of you will know my view on romantic love and relationships, and you know that i don’t do them anymore. I’ve been hurt way too many times to bother with any of that, You’ll also know that i don’t really believe in love anymore. It doesn’t last and it always fades. I also think that marriage is bullshit, and that’s not because my own was so awful. I see so many of my friends and loved ones getting divorced and it being horrid that i just don’t believe in marriage as an institution any more. And it’s not necessary if you have an excellent lawyer.
I choose to be single because i prefer the freedom. I love not having to factor in someone else’s thoughts, opinions and feelings whenever i want to do anything. I love not having someone else in my bed every night. I love not having another person’s mess to clear up. I love being alone.
I had the thought whilst watching Hen’s video yesterday of a scene of such domestic, wedded bliss that i needed to have a lie down. I could just picture myself pottering around the house whilst Hen worked on his rig. Just mooching around in one of his shirts, maybe reading a book, doing some cooking, occasionally going and checking on him and bringing him coffee. Standing behind him with my hands on his shoulders and kissing the top of his head whilst he worked. Being outside and making stupid faces through the window to make Hen laugh whilst Kal snuffles around the garden and does his business.
The thought was so hideously domestic that it took me a few moments to realise that i want that. Well, sort of. I still don’t want to live with someone, not right now. I love being on my own too much. But it did make me realise something:
I think i’m ready to let someone in again. And i think i might be ready to give (some of) my heart to someone again. Maybe just a lil’ bit. For it to be more than just sex like it has been for the past 6ish years.
Now, i don’t mean love as such. Love for me doesn’t mean the same thing anymore. Go listen to Elton John’s I Want Love and you’ll get what i mean. My heart is battered and bruised and i honestly don’t know if i even have the capacity to feel anything like that for anyone anymore, not in the way every movie seems to depict. But i feel like maybe i want to try? Get back on the horse so to speak and feel something again.
I dunno if any of what i’ve said makes any sense at all. And like i said, this is a work in progress for me because i’ve shut myself off for so long that i don’t know if i even work that way anymore. But Hen’s video and my resulting epiphany has made me realise that it might be nice to just…..be with someone, y’know? Like, just exist in another person’s space in a romantic way.
Not sure if I want to hug Henners and say thank you for helping me figure some intimacy shit out and set me on the path to personal growth, or punch him in his perfect face for making realise how touch starved and yearning for romance I am.
Either way, call me and let’s have lunch.