Feel free to scroll. TW: rape, ptsd, domestic violence, suicide, self harm
Something that this pandemic and consequent lockdown has taught me is that i am touch starved af. I mean, my introverted ass knew that anyway, but being in lockdown with no-one but Moose for company has really re-enforced the fact.
I have a very complex relationship with being tactile due to my ptsd. Those that have known me long enough know that i was married in 2004 to a very abusive man who would abuse me men tally, physically and sexually. The mental abuse was already established before we got married, but the beatings and the rape started afterwards. As a result, i have ptsd, part of which is not liking to be touched by people i’m not intimate with or very good friends with. Especially if i can’t see the touch coming.
I met the person that i still consider to be the love of my life whilst i was married, and they helped me to feel strong enough to leave my ex husband, which i did. I was then in a LTR with said love for about 4 years. 4 blissful years when i was totally and completely in love and gave this person every single part of me. I was in it til the end of the line. Sadly, he was not and cheated on my for about 3 months before he ended it the day before we were due to move in to our first place together. You can imagine how well i took that. There was a suicide attempt (not my first sadly). This man had shown me how to love again and how to be truly intimate with someone else. We were always touching somehow, always in each other’s orbits. I was so lost when i took at away. Jokes on him though because he’s still with the woman he cheated on my with and, by all accounts, is miserable as fuck but can’t leave because he’s married, got kids and a mortgage now. Stuck in a loveless marriage in a life he hates. Thanks Karma!
Anyway, i digress…..
After him, i was single for about a year before i met the best man i have ever known. Kind, warm, compassionate, gorgeous, nerdy af. He was everything i could have ever wanted and i drove us apart because i didn’t deal with my shit so i buried it and let it hurt us. It was awful how it ended, truly awful. I’ll never be able to say i’m sorry enough and i wish him nothing but happiness because fuck me he deserves it. My bff sees him on occasion as they work in the same town in the same industry and she says he’s doing really well. And that’s the best i can hope for.
After that i just pretty much became a slut. I was sowing my oats and loving it. I couldn’t stand to be in a relationship again so i just fucked my wway through Tinder and Fetlife. I really embraced me Domme side again and let my freak flag fly. But i always chose subs who weren’t into snuggles and soft touches.
And now i’m sitting here thinking that fuck me, what i wouldn’t give to be curled around a warm body who loves me back. I don’t necessarily believe in love any more, i’m too old and bitter for that these days tbh. I know that happy endings don’t exist and that 99% of humans aren’t built to be monogamous. And i’m not asking for someone to be that for me because i’m poly af. But i realise that i do want someone. Or someones. This lockdown has made me realise that i have alot of affection and softness to offer someone, despite how spiky and aggressive i am and can be. Really, on the inside, once you get past my impossible standards and walls i’ve built, i’m just a massive softy that loves to lavish affection on someone. I’m not a romantic by any means, but i am loyal and love to show those special few how much i care about them.
I think after this pandemic is over and we’re relatively back to normal, i’m going to work really hard on my personal intimacy issues because i honestly don’t think i can carry on like i am. I miss being with someone, y’feel?