This is gonna be long but I have such a fucking beef with other women who judge me for how I choose to live my life and the choices i make. This piece will no doubt piss off some people but I’m not sorry and I’m done being polite about this shit. I’ve got my mumsnet flack jacket on and anti-angry mothers shield ready, I’m golden.
I had an angry rant on Tumblr earlier about how since turning 36, the pressure and judgement from other women around my age has increased tenfold on the subject of me choosing to be single and not wanting kids.
First off, let me address the relationship thing. A lot of women will tell me when I say I don’t want kids that i “just haven’t met the right man yet.” Um….NO. First off, do you know I’m straight? No, you don’t. Not that being queer is an issue these days if you want kids, I’m just saying that it’s rude to assume.
My problem with this comment is that people seem to think that other people need to be in a relationship to matter to society or to be complete. After a marriage that ended because I could no longer tolerate the abuse after 7 years and a string of failed relationships, I have come to realise that I don’t need a partner. I am perfectly happy with my life as it is and I actually function better as a person without being in a relationship. I now know that for me, a relationship is just a fairly nice addition to my already fulfilling life. And embellishment of sorts if you will. It’s nice, but I don’t need it. I know a lot of people who just can’t be on their own and that’s entirely their business. Sadly for them, they will often end up in unsatisfying and sub-par relationships to just fill that need they have to be part of a couple but again, none of my fucking business. If that’s how they roll, then so be it. I don’t need a significant other to ‘complete’ me. I’m comfortable enough with myself that i feel complete without a partner. So to tell me that I just haven’t met the right person yet is just bullshit. It may be what you need, but newsflash: not everyone is the same as you and wants or needs the same things.
Now, onto the whole children thing. Strap in my darlings, this is gonna get bumpy as fuck…
OK, so society has been telling women for fucking years that their sole purpose in life is to breed and reproduce. That’s what we’re here for right? That’s why we women have a uterus, to spawn more humans. It’s expected of us and has been since the dawn of time. How else is the population of the world expected to grow otherwise, correct?
Well here’s the thing: not all women want to breed. Not all women want kids. Not all women even like the idea of kids. There are more of us than you think, but we’re out there and the older we get, the more fucking pissed off we get with other women judging us for not wanting what society tells us we should. Personally, the thought of being pregnant physically repulses me. I can’t think of anything worse than having an actual human being growing inside me. I’ve thought that was fucked up since I was a child and that hasn’t changed now i’m in my late 30’s. But you know what? Those are my personal feelings on the matter and something that I keep to myself unless someone pushes me to say it. Well, until I wrote this article anyway.
Who are you to judge another woman for her life choices if they’re not hurting you?
I frequently find myself surrounded by women who have a child, often more than one. At the age of 36, most women I know have been married for 10 years or so and have kids, it’s just a fact of life. I’m at the peak age for having a family and a house and the white picket fence and society dictates that I should be in the full bloom of family life. Well tough shit, i’m not. And you shouldn’t judge me for that, whether you agree with it or not.
There is nothing wrong with me for not wanting children.
There is nothing wrong with me for enjoying being single.
There is nothing wrong with me for not wanting what you want.
There is nothing wrong with me for not wanting what society says i should.
I am not broken.
There are many, many reasons that I don’t want kids (the list gets longer every day) and not one of them is any of your fucking business. The fact that other women seem to think it’s ok to cock their heads at me when they find out I don’t want kids and say: “Oh, is it because you can’t have children?” winds me up so fucking much. How can you think it’s OK to be so personal and intrusive? What if I couldn’t have kids because of some horrific event in my past? What if I’ve been through a string of miscarriages? How is that OK thing to ask? Answer: it’s not. Don’t just assume that I can’t have kids when I say i don’t want them. The fact that we have a uterus in common seems to let other women think it’s OK to go straight in for the jugular with me when I say I don’t want children. So remember ladies: it’s most certainly not OK to ask these things unless you know the person fairly well. You simply cannot ask a stranger you just met something like that so stop being so fucking nosy while you give me a pitying look and rub your 8 month baby bump in my general direction.
If I had my way, i’d donate my baby making equipment to medical science and be free of it’s evil clutches. But sadly, my GP won’t give me a full hysterectomy or even sterilise me at the age of 36 unless it’s a medical emergency, Apparently, I have to be at least 40 years old before they’ll even consider sterilisation on the NHS, despite that fact that if I had a dick, I could walk in off the street at the age of 17, ask for a vasectomy and be granted one. How utterly double standard is that?! Once again, women’s bodies are not their own in the eyes of medical professionals. Still, I’ve only got another 4 years to go, right? Unless I can find £1600 to give to a private doctor to destroy my fallopian tubes.
Now, I am all for women supporting other women. I love women, we’re awesome, but where is the sisterhood when you’re silently judging me for not wanting kids? When will you learn to just shrug your shoulders and say “fair enough” when I say I don’t my own mini-me’s? That’s what needs to start happening. That’s my exact reaction when a friend says they want another kid. I’m not an asshole (most of the time) and whatever people want is their business. I respect their choices as long as it’s not hurting anyone or illegal. I mean, why would I not? I respect other people’s boundaries and personal space. I don’t break down your door and shove my single, queer, bitter ass down your throats so back the fuck off with the babies and marriage shit.
Please, I’m begging you, stop hassling me about my love life and baby situation and leave me in peace to morph into my true form: an angry old cat lady who smokes too much and prefers fictional characters to real people.
In short, my uterus and what I choose to do with it is none of your goddamn fucking business.